The greatest difference between love and romance is, one is long-term and ugly (love), and the other is short-term and beautiful (romance). However, what keeps a marriage or any relationship stable is having a balance between the two. When you have too much or too little of anything, the vision of the product doesn’t receive a fair amount of clarity. As I talk to couples and learn that they’ve either had too much hardship in their relationships, and not enough ‘smooth sailings,’ or too much fun and not enough “testing of the waters,” I tell them that they aren’t being fair to the relationship. It only makes sense that some couples become drained or find nothing worth working towards in their marriages because the rewards aren’t as tall as the costs. Think of it this way, would you work for a company that didn’t offer paid vacation time, benefits such as retirement, health insurance or flex time? If the answer to that is “no,” then you shouldn’t work for a marriage that way either. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is a job but to make it feel more like a career, you and your spouse are going to need some romance. Romance is crucial to the stability of a marriage. While it takes effort, attaining and maintaining romance in a marriage can be very rewarding and if practiced consistently, it can become the habit that makes bad days seem far and few.
Here are 5 ways to Maintain Romance in Your Marriage…
1. Keep it sexy
Before you and your spouse were married, I bet you any amount of cash, your “courtship game” was impeccable. What I mean by this is, I’m sure one or both of you called one another all the time; discussed sexual fantasies; flirted with one another in public and private; put on your best outfit to go on a date, or sprayed on that breath-taking fragrance. Then one day, after marriage or after children, the courtship stopped. Maybe work got in the way; exhaustion kicked in; hurt and pain from the relationship or resentment took its place; maybe you put on a few pounds and you stopped feeling attractive, whatever the reason is, the sexiness vanished. Well, be like Justin Timberlake and bring it back.
This is where the effort comes in: whatever cards you were dealt, play them. In the midst of the changes, find a reason to keep it sexy. Wear that fragrance again, send that ‘nasty’ text message, wear your spouse’s favorite color, french kiss for absolutely no reason at all, or randomly stroke each other’s genitals for the thrill of it. You’re married, who’s gonna check you, boo?
2. Role play
Sometimes, couples get so caught up in being “who they are,” they forget that they can switch it up at any given time. My husband and I love going out of town or on a date, and changing our identities. I don’t mean in the legal way. I’m referring to our characters. Prior to our trips or dates, we discuss who we will be: our names, personalities, safe words, the rules and the goals. Our biggest goals are to do and say things we probably would never do or say if we were being “ourselves” AND to never break character. While it may seem juvenile to some, it actually gives us a break from talking about the “business” of the marriage or topics that will likely lead to an argument. I highly recommend this activity for couples who don’t know where to start when it comes to romance. The imagination of it all can say a lot about what the marriage is missing.
3. Do Photoshoots
Nothing says “sexy” more than a boudoir photo shoot. This can be done as a couple or individually for your spouse’s eyes only. Of course it will take a lot of courage and confidence but if done with the right photographer, you might decide that the concept of low self-esteem was just a myth. Boudoir photo shoots are photo shoots that capture the sensual and sexual side of one’s personality. They can be taken in a studio or on location. One can be in lingerie, half-naked, completely naked or in any other sexy attire. The goal is to feel comfortable with your body, while giving your spouse something to wonder about, yet feel aroused with. This made the perfect anniversary gift for my husband and let’s just say, I will always be his fantasy.
If you’re looking for good boudoir photographers, check out King Yella on IG @kingyella or Dana B at alwaysandforeverphotography.net
4. Date, Date, Date!!
I can’t chant this phrase enough to married couples, “You must date your mate!!” I realize that it is so easy to get caught up in the reasons not to date one another, but isn’t dating the way the two of you became one? It would seem almost self-sabotaging to no longer do it. When I say date, I mean really date. Get rid of the children, find a sitter and go. Please try to avoid the typical dinner and a movie. It’s thoughtless, clichè and does nothing for the sexiness of the marriage. I would strongly encourage engaging in activities that promote laughter, getting dirty, sexy attire or interaction such as dancing or obstacle courses. Weekend getaways are also a winner, especially to places that promote physical contact all weekend like the Sybaris (look it up). The more positive energy two people share with one another, the stronger the bond, remember that.
There’s an old study in psychology that suggests that high sexual attraction amongst couples is linked to adrenaline boosting activities such as roller coaster rides, getting through scary situations together, etc. To learn more about this in detail, I’ve linked a pretty cool article below. 👇🏾
5. Have sex regularly
It breaks my heart when I hear married couples say that they haven’t had sex in over 30 days. I ask myself and sometimes them, “Well, what’s the point of being married then?” I understand that couples get married for many different reasons and I’d like to think that unadulterated sex is one of them. Unfortunately, it is not. To keep things sexy in your marriage, it is highly recommended that you have sex WITH EACH OTHER regularly. I can’t say what a ‘regular’ amount of sex is for any couple as everyone’s tolerance level is different. However, I will say that every 30 days is unhealthy. Not only does engaging in sex regularly keeps the two of you close, it also increases endorphins, therefore contributing to individual self-care and happiness. Unless you are physically incapable or there is domestic abuse, a spouse should never withhold sex as punishment from their partner. It promotes lack of trust and distance in the marriage. So ladies, if you’re mad, get over it and fellas, if you’re tired, do some sit-ups, because it needs to ‘go down!’ If you need help, talking “dirty” and watching steamy movies together is a great form of foreplay. Similarly, don’t be afraid to tell your partner what arouses you. It can be very fulfilling to be in a marriage with a partner who is safe and aims to please. Do not starve your marriage by withholding information from your spouse about what your sexual needs are, and/or not engaging in regular sexual activity.
This post was written to promote sexiness and romance in a marriage.
Nya B is an author, licensed mental health clinician, professor and speaker. To learn more, follow her on IG and Twitter @author_nya_b, on FB under Nya B and check out her website at http://www.nya-b.com
3 thoughts on “EXTRA SEXY: How To Maintain Romance In Your Marriage”
Dear Nya, I’ve read a few of your posts, all excellent advice.
This one I really liked, you’re right – the “courtship game” is usually impeccably played and there’s a lot to do on both sides to keep the game interesting!
Good evening Joanne, thank you so much. I’m glad that you really liked the posts and find the information practical. You are absolutley correct that it takes two. Sometimes we get comfortable. I hope the information is useful and I look forward to indulging in your work all the same!
Keep the marriage spicy!!!