If you follow me on social media, by now you know that I’m a lot of fun, I am pro-woman and I encourage my single-lady followers to date more than one man at a time. I vote for a roster of five, to be exact. (For my complete description of this roster, check out my IGTV For My Single Ladies)
This is not to say that I am anti-man, as a matter a fact, it’s quite the opposite. I love men. But even more than that, I love to see my “girls” with high self esteem, dating on their level and improving their levels of self-care. My goal has always been to teach women how to put themselves first, or master self-preservation. This is not to be confused with selfishness, those are two different concepts. Women are nurturers at best, and more often than they should, they put everyone’s needs before their own. I say, “time out” for that when you’re single and dating.
The purpose of dating is to get to know others as well as yourself, before choosing your spouse (should you decide to be married). I see the function of dating as more of the latter but, hey, who asked me? When a woman dates multiple men (and I mean, date, not have sex with), she learns more about who SHE is and what SHE prefers while limiting her chances of settling, or monopolizing her emotions and the best of her, to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
So, single ladies, now that you have your roster of five, here’s how you manage it…
Here are 7 Tips for Dating Successfully…
1. Know your purpose…
With any moves you make, it is important to know why you’re making them. Why are you dating? Is it casual? Is it to find a husband or a partner? What’s your purpose? A mature man is going to ask you this question. He doesn’t want his time wasted any more than you do, so be ready to answer it.
Be honest about your approach. While you don’t have to be specific about WHO you’re dating, it is fair that a potential suitor knows, that until he gives you a reason to get rid of the others, you two are NOT exclusive.
2. Make your “grocery list…”
If you’ve ever been apart of my IG groups, then you are very familiar with this phrase. When people go into the grocery store without a list, they tend to come out with things they don’t need. To avoid coming out of the dating market with a man you do not need, make a list of what you want in a mate. Make a list of your non-negotiables as well (these are like your allergens or things you wouldn’t deal with under any circumstances). This way, you’ll know “him” when you see him AND you’re not relying on sex to tell you if he’s the one.
Sex CAN and WILL dilute a woman’s judgment, especially if she thinks with her heart and not her mind.
3. Let him pursue…
Ladies, it is OK to “shoot your shot,” but after that first “basket,” he needs to pursue you. Men are hunters!! They move for the women they want, so there’s no need to chase. If he wants you, he WILL pursue you. Let him do that. Men who are hunters may find it to be a “turn-off’ when women take over the hunt. Don’t be that girl!
Never in history have you had to make anyone do anything they wanted to do. Don’t start now. A man should love his woman more than she loves him. The relationship seems to lasts longer that way.
4. Don’t deal with situationships (not even for fun)
Situationships or circumstances that goes against everything on your list or everything you are, should be avoided. This means, if you’re single, he needs to be single and I mean, SINGLE! This means: not married; not legally separated; not living with his “baby momma,” or some random of the opposite sex; he should be SINGLE!
Similarly, your “potential boo” should not be entertaining ex girlfriends or spouses. When a person in general, constantly entertains an ex, it means he, or she is not progressive. This person is most likely seeking comfort, not change. Have you ever dated someone who was “stuck?” It’s NO FUN! Trust me.
Most importanly, your potential suitor should not be “broken,” or have unresolved emotional damage without seeking the proper help. I know it is heroic to think you’re that girl who can heal a “brotha,” but ummm, it’s a myth. You can’t save or fix him. Leave it to the mental health professionals. You’re not the Wizard of Oz…
5. Give it time.
I’m not here to debate love at first sight, but I will debate to the Heavens that there is a such thing as “representative at first sight.” Give people time to show you who they are. People tend to successfully show themselves within 3-6 months of consistent communication and spending time. Candidates will always show “the-people” their best selves because they want to be elected. Hold off on casting your vote until you see who these men really are. It’s important to know how your “potential boo” handles his anger; how he really communicates; what his hygiene is like, or whether he’s good at setting boundaries, etc.
Keep in mind, this is why employers have multiple interviews before hiring someone; they want to see consistency. You should want to see it too.
6. If you like him, don’t be afraid to make him feel desired.
So many women get caught up in being the prize that they forget, meeting a decent man is a win as well. Maintain that “win” by showing him that you care too. Initiate a date sometimes, check on him, call and text to say “hey, good afternoon, good morning, did you eat?” etc. Don’t get so caught up on him providing everything, while you sit back and collect. It’s selfish and you’ll never win doing that.
7. If you meet YOUR PROTOTYPE, adjust yourself…
Sometimes we meet someone worth settling down with, and it’s not on our timetable, but you might want to consider “bringing it in from the streets.” Life is about choices and being happy is about making good choices. If you meet, “the one,” don’t sabotage the opportunity with thoughts like, “I don’t deserve him, I’m not finished having fun…I’m waiting on the one who isn’t pursuing me…”
Like I said in my video, don’t slow down so others can catch up.
Should you meet a man and he delivers your “list,” don’t procrastinate, especially if you are where YOU want to be as an individual.
It is never a loss when you find a man that YOU want, and he wants to genuinely love you…
This post was written to encourage a healthy dating lifestyle for women. Some tools can be applied to most dating atmospheres regardless of sex, therefore not discriminating against any sex or gender.
Nya B is an author, licensed mental health clinician, speaker and adjunct professor in behavioral health and sciences. To learn more about her, follow her on IG @author_nya_b, on FaceBook under Nya B, or check out her website at nya-b.com