Lifting Weights

“They” say the first 5-7 years of marriage are the hardest and I’m prone to believe it’s not just the first 5-7 years, it’s all of them. It seems like once a battle is won, here comes another and I think it’s due to growth. The problems in a marriage are like “lifting weights.” Initially, your muscles will feel pain because they aren’t use to the amount of weight used. At some point, your body will let you knows it’s time to increase the weights because the lifting becomes easier. With that being said, dealing with my husband’s ex spouse became easier after a while and it wasn’t because she suddenly stopped bothering us. Nope! She actually was like that villain in a horror film that just wouldn’t die. However, dealing with her became easier for us because we kept “lifting the weights.” 

I hate to admit it but she went on harassing us for almost two years and it’s like, nothing helped. We ignored her, she got louder; we changed our phone numbers, she harrassed us via email, she used the kids in any way she could with these “magnified” emergencies, poor parenting, manipulation, etc…you name it, she pulled it! 

It took for us to get out of our emotions about it and get smarter. We had to realize that her goal was nothing more than to split us up. She was clearly angry with my husband for whatever happened between them during their time together. Instead of him suffering for it, he had the nerve to move on and get a major upgrade. How dare he? Yeah, I guess I would’ve been “salty” too. However, NO ONE would’ve known it. (Side note: I wouldn’t have been salty for real…my pride doesn’t work that way)

The worst thing a woman can ever do is let another woman know she’s losing it because no matter how well she gets, she will always be the woman who “lost” it.  It was very obvious that I was collateral damage. No matter who my husband moved on with, this process was bound to happen. So, we stopped fighting each other and fought the problem. 

In the process of being harassed, as hard as it was, I kept calm. I utilized my support systems and kept my words to myself. When she called my phone, I didn’t answer. When she text or emailed, I didn’t respond. When she sent messages or friend requests on social media, I ignored her. Each time I was bothered, I documented it and kept record. I realize she wanted a fight. She wanted me to assault her so I could lose everything I worked hard for. In her mind, she was the victim and needed everyone to believe it. I, on the other hand was about to give her a different-kind-of-fight. I eventually filed police reports, built a case against her and took her ass to civil court. She didn’t expect “my kind of crazy…” The money she spent being tied up in court seemed to exhaust her but I was ready to suck her financially dry and I was in it until the end. Meanwhile, my husband still had to do his part because the real game changer was him. 

It was very hard for my husband to set boundaries in a way that was effective but if he wanted respect for himself and his marriage, he had to do it. Since she seemed to work non-stop using the kids as a tool to control him and his time, he humbly took a break from his visitation. This was very hard for him because he truly loves his children. 

However, it proved necessary. For some odd reason, “baby mommas” seem to have the utmost respect and need for “deadbeat dads.” The mom’s seem to behave better and they beg and plead for the slightest interaction between the “deadbeat” and the child. However, when there is a good- active father involved, the mom’s seem to be quite the opposite. They “play games” with visitation, threaten to take the child away, slander the father’s name and sometimes demand more money for child support. The “shit” is very backwards to me, but this was our reality. 

My husband decided it was time for her to be a single mother. With his actions, he made it very clear to her that our marriage came first. The children were no longer a tool because he didn’t allow them to be. He cut back tremendously and began to invest more time with me, on Honeymoon Blvd. We needed the time considering we lost so much being distracted by the drama. 

I assume being a single mother of three children and spending money in court was no fun because she began to calm her ass down. I thought I’d never see the day. Y’all should’ve seen my “Dougie.” 

When the children resumed visitation, we made it very clear to them that he and I were a team and nothing that goes against the culture of our household or marriage was welcomed. They responded well and together, we conquered the distraction…

Author: msnyab

I'm an author, Mental Health Clinician, wife, mother and friend! I've learned that people feel their best when their feelings and thoughts are validated and they are surrounded by others they can relate to. Speaking the truth is liberating and therapeutic. I enjoy giving strangers and loved ones an outlet to do that!!

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