When a person is in a relationship, he or she tends to evaluate how things are going or at least, they should. It’s normal to think about how we feel when we’re with that person, how much time we’ve invested and most importantly, we ask ourselves, “do we want the same things?” My husband and I knew we wanted each other. We cared very deeply for one another. The chemistry between us, was undeniable. He and I both enjoyed our time together, and we knew that we wanted the same thing…marriage. So, when he proposed, I wasn’t surprised. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when.
Unlike many married women, I didn’t have a fancy proposal. I rolled over one morning, softly awakened by the scent of him leaving for work. My natural curls were all over my head, wearing only a tank top and underwear, morning breath on foul yet there he was…on my side of the bed, on one knee, asking me to be his wife. He gave me a speech about how I’m the most beautiful when I wake up and he wanted to have that view every morning for the rest of his life. Some of you are reading this and probably thinking, “Awww, how sweet.” Yes, it was sweet and I gladly accepted. However, the expectations I had were on the inside shouting, “How dare you propose to me while I am ugly?” I wanted to be beautiful for this moment. I wanted to wear the fittest midi length dress with the “dopest” heels and be surrounded by all of my friends and loved ones as they cried with joy and admiration. Yeah, it didn’t go down like that. In fact, it went down exactly the way God intended it to: an intimate moment between the two of us. He kissed me, and the engagement ring is on my finger now. The moment ended and reality prevailed. He had to leave for work but he assured me that he would return and I could spend the rest of my day, sharing with my friends and loved ones, my awesome news.
Yes!!! I am getting married but in my mind, I’m thinking, “What am I supposed to share?” Do I tell my girls that I was proposed to at 7am in the morning with morning breath and now he’s off to work? Do I convince them that this man is “it” as they roll their eyes at me on the other end of the phone, thinking, “Here this bitch go again…another husband!” While this was not my first walk down the aisle, it was my first that wasn’t due to “circumstances.” This one, was for love. It was the marriage that I expected to be “easy-breezy.” The one I expected would be all that I hoped it would be because both of us were married before. Similarly, I spent years, counseling other couples so we had all the answers, right? Wrong!!
No matter how many times a person has been married, no matter how compatible two people are, marriage is still a learning process. There will be things that come up that the two of you didn’t “sign up” for. There will be things you thought you knew or were sure about prior to saying, “I Do” but marriage has a way of making you question all of that. This blog will take you through both the expected and the unexpected and how I coped with all of it. I’ve had to take the good with the bad and change the expectations of how I thought marriage should go, starting with his proposal.
I hate to admit it but it took me a long time to appreciate the type of proposal I had. I didn’t see the beauty in it. I didn’t see the metaphor until a friend of mine said to me, “Nya, that’s what marriage is. It’s ugly, it’s stripped, it’s natural which in turn, makes it beautiful.” She was right. I work in a career in which I have to see the world through the eyes of my clients otherwise, I can’t help them. However, it didn’t dawn on me that I have to do the same in my marriage if I want it to grow. I needed to see me through the eyes of my husband. He loves me in my most purest form. He stares at me when I’m just walking around the house. He wants to kiss me first thing in the morning, and I’m like, “Nooooo, I haven’t brushed yet…” I’m learning that not seeing myself the way he does causes unnecessary stress. Before I react to something, I have to ask myself, “will my reaction make things better for me or us?” And if I decide that it’s my gratification I’m after, then I must redirect my thinking so that he and I both can win.